Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
