I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
