She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
