i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
