He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
