I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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