I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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