last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
