Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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