It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
