Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
