if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
