she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
