My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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