Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
