So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
