She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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