hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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