he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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