remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
