I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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