Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
