I can tuck mytits in my pants
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i will never coherently bang her
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
