What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize