who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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