My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize