I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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