I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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