I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
