can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
