The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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