the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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