he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
