Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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