I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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