I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
