and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
