According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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