If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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