Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
