I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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