Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
