If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
