so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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