he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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