I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
