we made out on top of his cat.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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