I just pynch a tree in the face
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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