this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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