I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
