I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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