Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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