he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
