Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
