he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize