Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
