Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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