her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
